I can’t even remember the last time I wrote.  But it’s been three years today since you passed on, and while you’re always on my mind, June 16th is always one in which I like to sit with the fact that you’re no longer physically here.  It’s still strange I can’t call you on the phone even though, I still, three years later, pull your number up on my phone to give you a ring and talk about my day.   I went to sleep last night begging to see you in a dream, but alas, you didn’t turn up.  That’s okay.  You’re always with me, but I sure would have loved to see your face. I would have loved to see your eyes.  Maizy has your eyes.  They’re so beautiful. I miss seeing the joy in your eyes and hearing the joy in your voice.  I miss the way you rocked back and forth on your feet.  Your brothers did that, too.  It was fun to see you all together rocking back and forth and back and forth.  You all had pep in your step.

I do not miss you any less that I did the day you passed on, and I don’t feel any less grief, but my relationship with it all has changed.  It changed in a way that allows me to have peaceful sleep.  And while I sometimes find myself crying out of the blue, it’s not as often.  I tell Maizy stories about you ALL THE TIME.  You would have loved each other.

I’m not playing many shows these days, and I miss it, but raising Maizy gives a different sense of purpose to me, and I’m incredibly grateful to have so much time with her.  She is a pure light in the world.  She is kind and she’s generous with her love.  She’s also starting to talk a lot more.  Some of her words include: meatball, pizza, cheese stick (I swear she eats a very healthy diet, but for some reason has chosen these words to say! HA!).  Some other good ones: Bicycle, big truck, mama bird, pretty bird, dog, cat, people, baby, bahhhhhhh baby, owl baby, more baby, please mama (my favorite!), etc………She loves to say people’s names, too.  AND, she loves looking at photos of her friends.  She wants to stay connected to everyone at all times.

I talked with you for years about my yoga practice.  Why I did it.  How it made me feel.  And also about going to school to become a teacher.  I mean, I’m pretty sure I first mentioned this over 20 years ago.  Well, I’m in the process of getting my 200 hour teaching certification now, and will begin a 300 hour, year long training, come August.  This one focuses more on Yogic philosophy, meditation and pranayama.  On that note, I completed a 25 hour yoga intensive just yesterday.  I’ve never done anything like it, and I’m so inspired.  The class was taught by Srivatsa Ramaswami.  He’s nearly 80 years old. I felt humbled and honored to be a part of his world for five days.  Here’s a photo of me asking him a question!

Soooooo, these days I’m taking care of Maizy (and our family)  and studying Sanskrit and Yogic Philosophy.  Have been writing some songs, too!  Danny just finished up a new album that’s beautiful.  He’s done a bang up job balancing being a papa, being creative, and getting business taken care of.  I’m in awe of his ability to get so much work done.

OH, and we have a membership to the YMCA! The smell reminds me of my childhood.  It reminds me of being in the pool with you.  And of lifting weights with you. And jogging on that hilarious little track.  I think we had to go around 54 times to run a mile! HAHA!

I guess that’s all for now.  I think I’ll write more often.  This feels good.

I miss you, dad.  I’m thankful for the energy and vibrance you left me with.  You make me want to be a kinder and more generous person.  You make me want to lead a life full of goodness and grace.  Thank you for trusting me with you in your final days, your final hours, and with your final breath.  It remains to the be the greatest gift I’ve ever been given.

love.

c.