It’s been a while since I’ve written. Life has been busy (in a good way)!  I woke up so many times throughout the night thinking of you, and realized upon waking this morning it’s September 16th. It’s been three months since we said goodbye to you.  I’ve been inspired to write to you many times during the past month, and every time I think about it, it feels too difficult.  But today, it feels right, so here goes…..

*ON GRIEF*

I received a book from a friend called “A Grief Observed” by C.S. Lewis and it is the most healing book to me.  I got all teary eyed from the very beginning.  He said. “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” This is so very true to me.  Really.  It is.  That’s exactly how it feels.  And I think this feeling starts to dissipate, but at the beginning, it’s unbearable.  I highly recommend this book to anyone that has lost someone close to them.  Thank you to my friend Carolyn for sending it to me.  I believe C.S. Lewis was doing what I’m trying to do, which is to find healing in the writing.  He was SO GOOD AT IT! Thank you Mister Lewis for the raw emotion you expressed so perfectly.  I am inspired by you.  Trying to figure out where God is in all of this is the hardest part for me.  It’s difficult not to think God is such an asshole sometimes.  And that sounds harsh, I know.  But who hasn’t felt that way before??  Where is GOD? Why did you die, dad? UGH!

*TOURING*

DAD! You would love it here.  I always wanted to bring you on tour with us….especially over seas, but never got around to it.  SO, I’ve decide not to waste such time anymore.  Mom will be coming back to Europe with me for my next tour here beginning on October 19th!  I keep gently reminding myself to make things happen NOW instead of making excuses of being too busy, or saying we can just do it next year, etc…..We just never know what will happen, right?  For now though, Danny and I are in the Netherlands playing beautiful shows.  You’ll be happy to know, when I first landed in Amsterdam, I thought to call you.  You always liked when I checked in straight away.  You always wanted to know I was okay.  And safe.  I am.  We have the most kind driver named Koos.  He’s getting us to our destinations safely.  Next up, we fly to the UK for a couple more weeks.  Then flying home on October 12th.  Then flying right back here on the 19th with Sam Baker (and with Mom!).  WHOAH WORLD!  It’s good to back out and singing.  It would make you happy, dad.  OH, and we’re here celebrating the release of Danny’s new album, so I’m just singing with him (which you know I love).  BUT, I had one festival performance of my own and I shared the song I wrote for you. Every time I sing that song, I can feel you with me.  It makes me want to sing it all day long.  I miss you and love when I feel you so close.

*YOUR CELEBRATION OF LIFE!*

WOW WOW WOW.  Thank you to everyone that helped me write your celebration of life ceremony.  I took pieces from all the suggestions y’all made, and it was a joyous occasion.  I hope you think so, dad.  I mean, how could it NOT be joyful?  It was all about you. And your best friends from childhood are just the most wonderful group of guys.  And, all the cousins were together in one place for the first time in probably 20 years!  You were always so good at bringing people together in life.  In death, you do the same.  Thank you for encouraging me to have life long friendships. AND, I think all the cousins will get together next year again. We will continue to have joyous occasions in your memory, dad.  On a side note, we scattered your ashes on second base of the little league field you grew up playing on and it was so great.

*ON HAVING A BABY*

Well, in three months, we lost two pregnancies and you, dad.  We’re hopeful though.  Found our new egg and sperm donors and are moving right along.  Jeeeeesh……….what a ride this has been.  Taking a break from all the hormones for another six or so weeks.  Will be back to normal just in time to start on all the hormones again!!!!!  I guess we have the choice to lose hope or have hope……so I’m sticking with having hope.  I’m sticking with believing it will happen.

*SENSE OF PURPOSE*

I’m still working on this one.  I’m excited to be home in November.  Excited to be still for a little while.  Excited for rest.  I believe this is when the light will shine on the thing it is I’m meant to be doing right now.  I know music is part of that, but I also think getting involved in helping others with grief is a part of it.  I’m not sure what that will look like.

I guess it’s time to hit the road here in he Netherlands.   I wish you were here with us, dad…..

I love you.